Customers
Stay Calm and Listen.
This may sound easy, but, where emotions are concerned, this may be difficult. By remaining calm, we can non-verbally influence what others perceive and how they will react. Listen carefully to what they are saying, the words that they use, what they repeat, but especially what they say first. No matter how illogical or emotional, listen and acknowledge that you are receiving their message. That does not mean you have to agree.
The way you hold yourself is everything.
If you look tense, other’s will be able to tell. Lower your tone of voice, use palm-up gestures, relax the shoulders, and angle your body away slightly to create some spatial distance. Relax the face and try a friendly smile if appropriate. You can also use your eyes to communicate that you don’t want to antagonise.
Don’t cross your arms.
Crossing your arms or legs can create the illusion of a barrier between you and the other person. Instead, try to adopt an open, relaxed posture. When negative emotions are at play, these behaviours can be misperceived, so avoid them.
Validate their feelings.
Validation is so valuable when it comes to the de-escalation of emotions. It lets others know that what they have to say matters, that you are listening, and that you are empathetic. You may not agree with them, validation is not agreement, but it is recognition. To effectively validate others, summarise what they said using their words, if possible. Show that you understand where they are coming from.
Positive Language
Use positive language to create a more positive environment. For example, instead of saying “I can’t help you with that,” say “Let me see what I can do to help.”
Open-ended questions.
Ask open-ended questions and show genuine interest in the other person’s experiences and perspectives. In doing so, try to put yourself in their shoes. Be empathetic. Something has brought them to this point; perhaps it has built up over time; perhaps no one has taken the time to listen to them before; perhaps they are having psychological issues. Whatever the case, be empathetic. “I’m so sorry to hear that, this must have been awful,” might help.
Offer reassurance and support.
If the other person is feeling anxious or uncomfortable, offer reassurance and support. Let them know that you are there to help and that you care about their well-being. When someone is crying or in shock, you might feel inclined to leave to avoid your own discomfort and to give them space. However, it’s important not to do so. Instead, make sure you stay in the room with them.
Personal Space
Be mindful of the other person’s personal space and their personal property (purse, desk, backpack, possessions), and avoid getting too close. It’s always safer to have greater distance.
Rapport
Look for areas of agreement or shared interests. This can help to build rapport and create a more positive interaction.
There’s no battle to be won.
You aren’t there to win an argument; you are there to bring the conversation to a manageable level without getting yourself hurt!
Possible Solutions
If possible, suggest a solution that can help to resolve the issue at hand or viable options. This can demonstrate that you’re willing to work together to find a positive outcome. The most important thing, even while you are finding a solution, say you are using a laptop, is don’t go silent. Keep others informed. Give them updates.
Worst case scenario
We want to hope that nothing escalates to the point of the other person brandishing a weapon, but these things can happen. If a weapon is brandished—any kind—distance is your best help. Even if they have a knife or a gun, stay calm, use your voice, create further distance, and work on all the traits of de-escalation discussed. Where possible, seek help.
Colleagues
In dealing with co-workers, remember that these are people you must work with every day and for years to come. Think long-term harmony. That mindset can help you to see how this is a process that will have long-term benefits.
Tips from the above with co-workers can be useful in de-escalating with colleagues, but additional to that try:
Move around.
Don’t feel you have to stay in one place; sometimes between colleagues going for a walk, sitting outside, or sitting side by side on a bench rather than across from each other helps to relieve tension.
Take a break.
If the situation is escalating and emotions are running high, consider taking a break. Let the other party know you want to engage. This can help both parties to calm down and approach the situation more rationally.
Talk privately
While the issue might be happening there and then, it is not always best to argue or disagree in a public facing position. Try move to a quieter, private area where you can talk freely without fear of someone unwarranted jumping in, or embarrassment.
Bring in a third party/manager
If you cannot manage the issue alone, bring in an unbiased third party, preferably a supervisor or manager, to act as a mediator. We know no one wants to ‘tattle’ but sometimes these can offer the best solutions for long term management and tactics that can be regulated/upheld.
If you’d like more information about managing bad behaviour in your pub, especially what you can do to protect yourself legally, view our blog from our partners at the BII.
